Monday, May 28, 2018

Excerpt from Wickedly Funny Donald Trump Satire: Mismanagement Is an Art by Ronnie Champ

Photo of book cover of Mismanagement Is an Art: Lessons in Management from Donald Trump, Adolf Hitler, and Other Good Ol' Boys (Satire)
Mismanagement Is an Art
Here is an excerpt from a wickedly funny satire of Donald Trump and his management style, as well as the absurd leadership and business books that el Trumpo has written (through his ghostwriters -- Trump is functionally illiterate).

It's from the third chapter of the book Mismanagement Is an Art: Lessons in Management from Donald Trump, Adolf Hitler, and other Good Ol' Boys (Satire), which is available as an ebook or paperback from Amazon.

But before giving you the excerpt, which is from the third chapter of the book, let me give you some background information about the story.

Background Information about Mismanagement Is an Art


Wally Whitewash is a lot like the young Donald Trump: he comes from a wealthy family who have given him access to lots of lucky breaks, and although he is unintelligent and untalented, he nonetheless oozes self-confidence and charisma. Wally's dad arranges for him to visit a mentor named Peter Panman, who is a lot like the old Donald Trump: he's loud and abrasive; he has a third-grade reading level and a tendency to throw temper-tantrums like a spoiled two-year-old; and he likes to punctuate his angry rants with lots of racist and offensive insults. Peter Panman teaches Wally how to manage like a good ol' boy.

This book turns all the conventional wisdom of management books and business school on its head and shows you how to manage just like Donald Trump. If you read the fable of Wally Whitewash and Peter Panman, you'll learn important lessons like how to double your staff's workloads and quadruple their stress, without any gains in productivity. You'll discover how to put the moves on attractive female employees. You'll find out how to use the Law of Pareto to make 20% of the people do 80% of the work, for no extra pay! And so much more!

So without further ado, here is an excerpt from the chapter in which Wally Whitewash (young Donald Trump) meets Peter Panman (old Donald Trump), who calls himself the 30-second manager (kind of like the One-Minute Manager, but with a much shorter attention span).

Excerpt from Mismanagement Is an Art

Chapter 3: Wally Meets the 30-Second Manager

The next morning, Wally announced himself to Peter Panman’s secretary at 11:48am. He made no apologies for being late.

The secretary frowned and shook her head. “He’s not in yet. Do you want me to call him? Does he know to expect you?”

Wally smiled. “He should be expecting me. The name’s Wally Whitewash.”

The secretary gave Wally a look of recognition. “Ok, I’m Tootsie Whistle, Mr. Panman’s administrative assistant. He did say you’d be coming by. Mr. Panman is on his way, so he should be here soon. You can go ahead and have a seat in his office. Do you want any coffee?”

Wally shook his head. “No coffee for me. Thanks, though.”

He walked back to Mr. Panman’s office and noticed that the desk was very clean and almost totally
empty. Except for a computer monitor, a telephone, and a stack of recent sports magazines, the desk was completely bare. Wally couldn’t see an inbox or an outbox anywhere. On the wall hung three portraits: President Donald Trump, former Alabama Governor George Wallace, and Adolf Hitler.

Wally picked up one of the sports magazines and started reading. Reading was not an easy task for Wally, but he liked looking through the pictures.

Suddenly, he heard a big, booming voice outside the office. He looked up in time to see Mr. Panman bounding through the door. Mr. Panman was a tall, heavyset man, with a large, round head and grayish-blonde hair arranged in an obvious comb-over. He had a grim and resolute expression on his face, but wore a slight, businesslike smile – quite the opposite of Wally’s big, vapid grin.

“Wally Whitewash, pleasure to meet you,” bellowed Mr. Panman, as they shook hands. “I’m Peter Panman, but you can just call me Pete.”

“Great to meet you, Pete,” said Wally. “My dad said you’re a good friend of the family, and that you can teach me a thing or two about managing a business.”

Pete nodded. “That’s right. I am a good friend of your family, and I can teach you a thing or two about managing a business. I trust I know your family well enough to know that you’re an Alabama fan, as well as a fan of good Scotch whiskey.”

“Roll Tide,” responded Wally. “And bottoms up!”

Pete slapped him on the shoulder and laughed. “I knew you was good people. Let me ring Tootsie to bring us each a glass of Scrooge’s 20-year-old, single-malt scotch.

After Tootsie brought them their drinks, Pete and Wally talked about the most recent Alabama football game for a half hour. Then, the conversation drifted towards politics.

“I think they just ought to go ahead and build several walls!” declared Pete. “We need walls on the border, and also walls around all those neighborhoods with third-world people. We got too many third-world people groups in America. We need more immigrants from good countries, like Sweden, Norway, and other former provinces of the Third Reich.”

“I agree!” said Wally. “We need to make America great again!”

“I’ll drink to that!” yelled Pete, raising his glass. Then Pete guzzled the remaining whiskey and slammed his glass on the desk. Pete held up his hand and said, “Wally, your lesson in management has already begun. You notice how we just spent the last 30 minutes engaged in idle chit chat, punctuated with a few racist observations? That’s the first secret of being an effective manager. You got to know how to make small talk, where you talk about bullshit for 30 minutes, and kind of throw in a few insulting remarks about the people you don’t like.

“After you bluster and bloviate for 30 minutes, and your audience has started to nod along like sheep, that’s when you say whatever message you really want to say. You give them a 30-second, oversimplified synopsis of whatever the relevant business at hand is. Because they feel like you’re their friend, and because you’ve already wasted so much time, they don’t want to analyze your logic or question your version of the facts. They just nod and go ‘baaa’ like a bunch of stupid-ass sheep. And then you got them, ready to lead them to the slaughter!”

Pete got up and pointed to a clock on the wall. “You see this here clock? Most people only got about a ten-minute attention span for any sort of serious business. Heck, my attention span is only about 2 minutes, unless I’m watching the Playboy Channel.”

Wally and Pete chuckled like two junior high school boys.

“I call this being a 30-second manager,” Pete continued. “I have 30 seconds of real information, which I want to use for my own agenda. To get my audience to accept my 30 second message, I wrap that message up in 30 minutes of small talk, sprinkled with about a lot of angry, racist nonsense.”

“When you give people the real information, do they ever ask for details?” asked Wally. “Because details scare me. I hate the facts. I’d rather invent my own.”

Pete gave a dismissive wave and replied, “If they do ask any questions, then I just respond by restating their question real slowly and ponderously, and then asking them a few questions with some random buzzwords thrown in for fun. Then they don’t know what in the hell I just said. But because I’m so confident and speak with such certainty, and they don’t want to seem stupid for not understanding, they just nod their heads and go on their way confused about what to do.

“And best of all, when the other person thinks they know what I’ve asked them to do and then does it, but it turns out that it doesn’t work, I get to blame them for misunderstanding me and screwing up. But if what they do goes right, I can make whatever I said somehow fit and take credit for the success, because nobody – not even me – knows what the hell I actually said.”

Wally slapped his knee. “Brilliant!” he declared. “That’s kind of what I’ve been doing my whole life, without really knowing it. But I’m definitely going to use the 30-second manager technique from now on.”

THE FIRST PRINCIPLE OF MANAGEMENT:

A great manager communicates in a way that deadens, rather than sharpens, the listeners mind, because unthinking people are easier to manipulate. You should have a self-serving message that can be stated in 30 seconds or less. But to get people to mindlessly accept your message, you put their brains to sleep. And to put their brains to sleep, you need to conceal your message inside 30 minutes of mindless small talk and meaningless slogans. Wear them down. Then, when you see their eyes glaze over like stupid sheep, you slip in the information you want them to believe. If you communicate this way, you will be able to convince most people of almost anything. 

So now that you have learned the first principle of Trump-style management, would you like to learn more? You can check out the book on Amazon or read previous sample chapters on this blog. Learn how to manage like Trump, and you will quickly make your organization great, just like Trump did for the USFL and Trump Airlines in the 80's.


Video introduction to Mismanagement Is an Art


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Ronnie Champ, aka The DOMINATOR!

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