Thursday, June 28, 2018

Trump Nominates Pat Robertson to Supreme Court

photo of Trump speaking and announcing that he has nominated Pat Robertson to the Supreme Court
Just minutes ago in an impromptu press conference at the White House, President Trump announced that he had nominated Pat Robertson to the Supreme Court to replace Justice Kennedy, who is set to retire in July.

This announcement was met with stunned silence and audible gasps of horror. Three reporters for the New York Times promptly went into cardiac arrest and had to be rushed to the hospital, while a CNN anchor committed suicide by impaling himself on his camera's tripod.

"Fake news," said Trump, mockingly, as the CNN reporter writhed atop the tripod. "Fake drama. Fake news. Really sad."

Trump was unable to continue his speech, due to angry outbursts and loud weeping from the press. In response, Trump stepped away from the podium, gestured to his press secretary, and yelled, "Have them play the music." Immediately, the Marine Corps Band began to play "Hail to the Chief," and they continued playing this song for several minutes. Meanwhile, Secret Service agents arrested many journalists for disorderly conduct and for allegedly inciting a riot.

After order had been somewhat restored, Trump resumed his speech. "I ask the questions around here. That's how we do these press conferences from now on. Okay? Why shouldn't I nominate Pat Buchanan to the Supreme Court? He graduated near the top of his class from Yale Law School, he served honorably in the Korean War, he started the most successful Christian broadcasting company in the history of the world, and most importantly, it will wrap up the religious vote for me in 2020. No matter how many women come forward to say I had an affair with them and paid them off, or that I grabbed them by the pussy, or that I masturbate to a picture of my own daughter -- which is a total lie, by the way. So you tell me, why shouldn't I nominate Pat Robertson to the Supreme Court?"

"Has he ever passed the bar exam in any state?" asked a reporter for MSNBC.

Trump shook his head and replied, "Fake news. And I'm supposed to be answering the questions around here, not you. This is my press conference." Trump then gave a signal to the band, and they began playing "Hail to the Chief" again. Trump grinned, held up his hand in a Nazi salute, and said, "Pat Robertson is going to bring good Christian values back to the Supreme Court. Pat Robertson is a man who believes in the rule of law, and who believes in having a strong President who has all the power he needs to make his country great again."

As the band continued playing "Hail to the Chief," Trump walked away from the podium and disappeared behind a curtain.

Democratic Senators vowed to block any vote on Mr. Robertson's nomination until after the mid-term elections in November, but Mitch McConnell replied, "The Democrats will be met with fire and fury like the world has never seen. We are definitely going to use the nuclear option to make sure this one goes through. I know that God wants Pat Robertson on the Supreme Court, and we Republicans are going to make sure that we don't let God down."

Follow this story as it develops. Learn more about President Trump's nomination of Pat Robertson to the Supreme Court, and other breaking news about President Trump, at, or on Twitter (@SatireChamp) at

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