SJW Fail: Millenial Activist Announces 72-Hour Woke-a-Thon

SJW Fail: 72-Hour "Woke-a-Thon"

Here is the latest SJW fail. Larry Libbman of the Millennial Activist Democrats (MAD) announced that MAD is sponsoring a "72-hour Woke-a-Thon." Mr. Libbman is calling on Social Justice Warriors (SJW) everywhere to participate.

What will these SJWs do for 72 hours? And what will they actually accomplish?

This "72-hour Woke-a-Thon" may sound like a silly exercise in futility, but it is not much more ridiculous than things the far-left SJWs are already saying. Hopefully, the Democrats will heed the warnings in this video and distance themselves from the crazies on the far left. If they don't, they will lose to Trump yet again.

Just listen to Mr. Libbman explain the SJW agenda in this video, which you can watch below.

SJW Fail Video: 72-hour Woke-a-Thon

Click on the embedded video above to listen to the SJW agenda.

What do SJWs want?

This satirical video summarizes the super-woke SJW platform in a humorous but basically accurate way. The SJWs stand for out-of-whack priorities that will sink the Democrats in 2020, if the Democratic candidates adopt them.

The white spoiled rich kids at elite Ivy-League institutions are more liberal on racial issues than racial minorities are. (See, https://www.vox.com/2019/3/22/18259865/great-awokening-white-liberals-race-polling-trump-2020; https://www.nytimes.com/2019/07/25/opinion/white-liberal-democrats.html.) These white SJWs take a paternalistic attitude towards racial and ethnic minorities by essentially playing the "race card" for them, even when many members of the race or ethnicity in question would prefer to make less of an issue of race. These elite white kids know what's best though! Social Justice Warrior (SJW) to the rescue!

When it comes to analyzing costs and benefits of environmental regulations, the welfare of animals trumps that of human beings in the SJW world. This past July, a mob of radical leftists from Antifa physically assaulted conservative blogger Andy Ngo; in addition to suffering multiple injuries, Mr. Ngo suffered the ignominy of being slimed by multiple vegan milkshakes. (See, https://www.nytimes.com/2019/07/01/us/portland-protests-mayor-cruz.html?auth=login-google&login=google.) The irony is rich: a gang of SJWs attacks a human being and causes to suffer serious injury, but the SJWs drink vegan milkshakes, because they don't want cows to suffer.

And then there is the issue of gender. Now it's no longer about LGBTQ, but it's about all the other letters being added to that. There are now so many genders being identified that it no longer makes any sense. Gay marriage is cool. Transgender students using the bathroom of their choice is cool. But at some point, let's move on with our lives and address some of the more important issues, like the economy, jobs, healthcare, etc.

And when it comes to civil rights, let's keep our focus on minorities that really are suffering from the effects of historical injustices and systemic racism. From what I can tell, gender reassignment surgery is pretty expensive, which means that you have to be in a certain income bracket to get it. Just going by Maslow's hierarchy of needs, you need to have a certain level of comfort before gender sensitivity (like using the correct pronoun) becomes the most important issue on your radar. Let me put it more bluntly: there are no LGBTQ ghettos. LGBTQ individuals are not disproportionately profiled by police or denied loans by banks. How is it that civil rights has become overwhelmingly about a group that seems to be pretty well-to-do compared to other groups, such as African-Americans or Native-Americans (the ones on reservations, not the one running for the Democratic nomination).

Of course, as Dave Chappelle found, you can't even joke about this without getting the SJWs all riled up.

Similarly, the SJWs care so much about women's issues, but the women who benefit are the ones who are already doing well: white women from upper-middle-class and upper-class backgrounds. Today, women are more likely than men to graduate college and to earn more money coming out of college. Sure, we can include the Baby Boomers, who are on their way out of the workplace and into retirement, in our sample to conclude that women are really doing poorly. But just look at the numbers for Millennials; the truth is that young women are doing better today than young men, as shown in this article from The Guardian (not known for being a "male chauvinist" publication): https://www.theguardian.com/money/2015/aug/29/women-in-20s-earn-more-men-same-age-study-finds.

Look, we moderates in the Democratic Party are not trying to go back to any sort of "good-ol-days" of white supremacy or patriarchy. We just recognize that the issues involving race and gender are more nuanced than the SJW super-woke extreme leftists want to acknowledge. And if we can't acknowledge facts that go against our chosen narrative, or if we can't bear to hear the arguments of someone who disagrees with us, then we can't realistically hope to resolve our problems. Moreover, we also recognize that, like overworked staff in an Emergency Room at a downtown hospital, we have to triage: we have to address the most important issues first, and right now, we're not doing that, because the debate is being dominated by super-PC SJW college kids on Twitter, and the more moderate grown-ups, who are busy working and raising kids and caring for aging parents, are being left out of the discussion.

SJW Fail: The Super-Woke Will Destroy the Democrats in 2020 and Give Trump 4 More Years

The truth is, the SJWs want to distract the Democratic candidates with a bunch of phony issues that matter only to the children of the upper class Ivy-League elites. Democrats, please do not be distracted. Please consider the situations of normal working people between the coasts. Regular Joe's and Jane's are desperate to hear someone talk about the issues that matter to them: jobs, childcare costs, healthcare costs, elder care costs, etc. Democrats, if you address these issues, you will destroy Trump in 2020. But if you let the SJWs dominate the agenda with their phony issues and high-falutin wokeness, you will give Trump another four years.

At RonnieChamp.com, we usually do not want people to take what we say too seriously (or at least to understand that much of what we say is intended as satire). But in this case, please take this seriously. If you are a moderate on the Left, please make your voice heard, so that Democrats can see that the SJWs are not the only folks out there that matter. And if you are running as a Democrat this upcoming election, please take some time to listen to the moderates who can put you into office with their votes. Once again, if you let the SJWs pick the issues for you, then you will lose again.

Humorist Daniel D's New Crazy Comedy Podcast

The New Crazy Comedy, Humor & Satire Podcast by Daniel D

For those of you who enjoy the very absurd humor and weird satire of Ronnie Champ, I got a funny and very bizarre new podcast for you to check out: The Crazy Comedy, Humor & Satire Podcast by Daniel D, at http://crazycomedyhumor.libsyn.com/.

About Daniel D

Daniel D is a writer and humorist who has written several pieces for this site. He has also done a little stand-up comedy, as well as some stand-up tragedy (in which he told stories about his relationships until the audience began slitting their wrists in anguish). This is his first podcast.

About the Crazy Comedy Humor & Satire Podcast

Daniel D's latest humor project is the Crazy Comedy, Humor, & Satire Podcast, which will follow something of a talk-show format, only the guests are, so far, imaginary. The humor is very surreal and truly absurd, so if that's your thing, you should definitely check this podcast out.

Recent episodes include corny jokes about the weather (in the spirit of Johnny Carson), complete with a rim shot to accentuate the punch line; political debates between weirdos on the extreme right and the extreme left; rants and riffs about everyday issues like parenting, pointless work meetings, and getting stuck in traffic; relationship advice from columnist Dear Crabby; and much, much more.

The podcast is available for download at http://crazycomedyhumor.libsyn.com/. You can also preview the latest episode of the podcast below:

If you like what you've heard, don't forget to subscribe to get future episodes. The Crazy Comedy, Humor & Satire Podcast will be available for download on iTunes, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and anywhere else quality podcasts are given away for FREE!

For More Crazy Comedy, Humor & Satire...

Also be sure to visit Daniel D's Crazy Comedy Humor & Satire Blog at https://www.crazycomedyhumor.com/
And check this blog (www.RonnieChamp.com) for occasional silly satire by Daniel D, as well as the one and only Ronnie Champ!

Alabama Abortion Law Protects Boogers!

Ever since the Alabama abortion law passed, the people around here have been going crazy. Pro-lifers are acting like this is the Emancipation Proclamation, like the evil feminists have been forcing the fetuses to do slave labor or something. Pro-choicers are going berserk because they feel like Alabama is trying to roll back all the rights women have fought for since the 1890s. With the abortion debate raging all around me, I felt like I needed a laugh, so I decided to see whether the Alabama Abortion Law protects boogers.

Is this a 6-week-old fetus or a booger? Is it protected by the Alabama abortion law, or can I flush it down the toilet?

Can you tell if the thing in this picture is a six-week-old fetus or a booger? Is it protected by the new Alabama abortion law, or can I flush it down the toilet?

I can't tell the difference, and neither could the people at the Operation Save White America (OSWA) office here in Puddville, Alabama. (OSWA is one of the nation's most influential pro-life groups.)

Did I commit a felony, under the Alabama Abortion Law? Or did I just sneeze?

"Oh shit!" I yelled, as I ran inside the front door of OSWA. "I think I just committed a felony!"

"Good Lord Almighty!" cried the receptionist, with a terrified expression on her face. She turned and announced, to no one in particular, "Looks like another one of our guys just killed an abortion doctor or something. Someone else will have to take care of this one. I already got two aiding-and-abetting charges pending against me. I can't take any more."

"No, I didn't kill any abortion doctors," I said, trying to calm her down. "I think I might have accidentally performed an abortion, though."

Her jaw dropped. "Murderer!" she screamed. "Call the police!"

I held my finger to my lips and hissed at her to be quiet. "Be cool, lady," I said. "I was just going down on my girlfriend, and I suddenly felt something slimy on my tongue. I think I might have dislodged the fetus by mistake. We didn't even know she was pregnant.

"Just look at our precious, unborn child," I continued. I held out a tissue with a small, slimy mass in the middle.

She looked at the "fetus" and made a clicking sound with her tongue.

"Can God ever forgive me for this heinous sin?" I wailed.

"I doubt it," she replied. "God is rich in mercy, but he said that if anyone wrongs one of his little ones -- and you don't get too much littler than a fetus -- then it would be better if 'a millstone were hanged about his neck and he was dragged into the sea.'"

"So I'm screwed, then, right?" I asked, trying to look as pitiable as possible.

You can kill abortion doctors, but not fetuses (or boogers)

"Pretty much," she said. "I mean, if you killed an abortion doctor, we could maybe get you off. You know, I got a televangelist friend who knows how to navigate the courts of heaven better than anyone. He's written a book about it, how to get your prayers answered in 15 minutes or less, guaranteed. He could go to work for you if it was something like killing an abortion doctor. But killing a fetus? Sheesh. You're pretty much gonna burn in hell for a long time for that one."

"Do you have any rope or anything I could kill myself with?" I cried.

"Well, suicide is a sin," she said.

"What have I got to lose now?" I asked.

"Well, probably not much," she replied, with a dour expression. "But, of course, I can't help you do it, or else I'll be in trouble."

"I see," I said. "Well, at least I've got a long life ahead of me, so I can have a good time before I die and face eternal judgment for this abortion I accidentally committed."

"Not so fast!" she yelled. "You know that's a felony now, in this great state of Alabama. I am under a legal and an ethical obligation to report you to the authorities."

"You mean you're calling the police?"

She pursed her lips, clenched her jaw, and nodded.

I shook my head and laughed. "Won't you look dumb when the police get here and realize this is a booger, not a fetus."

She glared and pointed her bony finger at me. "You know, there's also a law against making a threat to abort a child."

"That wasn't a threat," I replied. "I was joking about doing something in the past, that I didn't actually do. A threat relates to some future action or danger."

"God will abort you!" she yelled. "The Bible says that God is not to be mocked."

"I'm not mocking God; I'm mocking you," I said, as I turned to leave. "You know, people like you could sure benefit from having a sense of humor. Pro-life. Hah. You're against all the things that make life worth living."

The Alabama Abortion Law Is No Joke!

As I drove away from the scene of the "crime," a police car whizzed past me, going the other way, its lights flashing and its sirens wailing. I guess here in Alabama, people won't take chances. If you have a booger that looks like it could be a dead six-week-old fetus, you better watch out, because the cops will take you in! This new Alabama abortion law is no joke!

Abortion Stories: A Brilliant Satire of the "Pro-Life" Movement

Abortion Stories!: A Thoughtful Satire of Pro-Lifers & the Alabama Abortion Ban

If you want to know what's going on with the new anti-abortion law in Alabama, check out Abortion Stories!, which is a timely, thought-provoking, and witty satire of the "pro-life" movement.

Timely Satire of Pro-Lifers and Alabama's Anti-Abortion Law

As you know, Alabama has always led the way when it comes to civil rights (at least when it comes to denying them). So it's no surprise that Alabama's lawmakers have bravely led the way to make Alabama the first state to protect the civil rights of six-week-old fetuses.

No matter how small the fetus, no matter how undeveloped its nervous system, and regardless of whether it has any capacity at all for conscious suffering, the rights of the fetus will always trump the rights and wellbeing of the mother. Why? Because the mother is a woman, and in Alabama, women are not really as valuable as men -- or fetuses, for that matter. In fact, the only reason women in Alabama have the vote is because the federal constitution requires it.

Alabama has now become the first state to take its abortion laws back to the 1950s (which were, of course, the heyday of Alabama's leadership in the area of human rights).

So Ronnie Champ has written Abortion Stories! to celebrate Alabama's progress in turning back the clock on women's rights, as well as Alabama's success in blurring the line separating church and state. In this funny and provocative book, Ronnie Champ interviews three persons and one woman (Mr. Champ does not consider women to be persons) who have experienced abortion. 

• The first person is a six-week-old fetus, who is able to do an interview, even though she has no ears and no mouth. Fetus Jane tells the horrifying story of how she was aborted only days before Alabama's new anti-abortion law took effect. 
• The second person is Reverend Backfall, who leads evangelistic crusades in the dumpsters behind abortion clinics. The reverend has led over 8,000 aborted fetuses to Christ.
• The woman (not a person) is Winnifred Whitewash, who tells the terrifying tale of how she became pregnant with the spawn of Satan, and how she was forced to have an abortion in order to prevent the anti-Christ from being born. This experience taught Winnifred that abortions are always wrong and that abortion should, therefore, be outlawed.
• The third person is a convicted rapist and murderer, Chester W., whose parental rights were terminated by his victim's unilateral decision to abort his child, just because the child was conceived during a rape. As Chester notes, if Alabama's new abortion law had been in effect when he raped the child's mother, then she would not have been able to have an abortion.

The book concludes with Ronnie Champ's very modest proposal, which would end abortion, solve world hunger, and correct the trade deficit between the USA and Asia, all at the same time! 

This incredibly powerful and very timely satire of Alabama's "pro-lifers" delivers an important message in a funny and engaging way.

Comedian Bill Hicks on Pro-Lifers (from Rant in E-Minor)

For those who enjoy good, funny, and thoughtful comedy combined with keen social criticism, here's something else you might like, comedian Bill Hicks's bit about American pro-lifers. It's too bad that Bill Hicks is not around to do a bit on the Trump Administration, although Hicks's material on the stupidity of previous Presidents could easily apply to Trump. But this bit about abortion and pro-lifers is just as funny and relevant today as it was when Hicks died, 25 years ago.

Preview Abortion Stories!, the Satire of Pro-Lifers and the Alabama Abortion Ban

To read more satire writing about the Alabama Abortion Ban and the Pro-Life movement, you can preview book Abortion Stories! below...

If you enjoyed our coverage of the Pro-Life movement, please check out other posts and articles on RonnieChamp.com for more great humor and satire writing.

Happy Cinco de Mayo!

Happy Cinco de Mayo, bitches!

Happy Cinco de Mayo, bitches! Time to get drunk and slobber on some waitresses like retards! Good ol' American frat-party fun!!! 😜🍹

Here in the United States, today is Cinco de Mayo, which is Mexican for the Fifth of May. It's the day we celebrate the invention of the margarita by drinking as many of them as we can, along with shots of takillya and mugs of Mexican beer, until we wind up driving home drunk and wondering who parked our car on the sidewalk the next morning. Whoo hoo!

I did some research into the history of Cinco de Mayo by asking celebrants at various Mexican restaurants to tell me what they knew about this important holiday. Let me summarize for you what I found out.

Back in 1862, the French were trying to take over Mexico. It was a crisis. The Mexicans were great boxers, but they did not have any guns. They were having a hard time fighting the French. But the Mexicans had a plan.

One night, the Mexicans built a giant piñata and wheeled it in front of the French army's camp. When the French woke up in the morning, they thought the Mexicans had given them a present. They brought the giant piñata into their camp.

The French were confused. They inspected the piñata. They hit it with sticks. All of a sudden, the piñata burst open. Lots of Mexican waitresses came out with pitchers full of a special new drink: the margarita.

The French were thirsty. They drank the margaritas. And then they drank some more. They drank and they drank, until they passed out. The French were toast.

The Mexican army came through while the French were lying there, wasted. The French woke up to find that they were surrounded. Even worse, they were shitfaced. In their drunken stupor the night before, they had mistaken piles of horseshit for pillows.

They tried to fight, but they were useless. Their heads were pounding, their eyes were crossed, and they had double vision. They thought there were twice as many Mexicans as there actually were, and when the French fired their rifles, they missed and shot each other instead. The French retreated in haste. The Mexicans had won.

Did the Mexicans win the war with the French? No they did not. They won the battle, but they lost the war.

Nevertheless, the Mexicans had a lot to celebrate: they had invented one of the world's most popular beverages. The development of the margarita proved to be a turning point, as it gave Mexican restaurants a signature product to sell, thereby ensuring that Mexican emigrants to other countries would always have a profitable line of business to enter: restaurants and cantinas. No matter where you go in the world, you can find a Mexican restaurant to serve you a margarita.
And every Cinco de Mayo, we celebrate this achievement of the Mexican army by guzzling margaritas by the gallon, until we pass out like the French did. Go Mexico! Whoo hoo! Then we wake up, and listen to the news and hear President Donald Trump say that Mexicans are bad and that we need to build a wall to keep them out, and we say, "Hell yeah!"

Audiobook for How to Win Girlfriends & Dominate People (Self-Help Parody)

Audio-book version of How to Win Girlfriends & Dominate People (Self-Help Parody)

I am pleased to announce that the audio-book version of How to Win Girlfriends and Dominate People (Self-Help Parody) is available from the following retailers: Audible, Amazon, and iTunes.

The book is narrated by Chris Faircloth, who does a great job bringing the character of Ronnie Champ to life.

If you enjoy absurd humor, parody, and satire, but don't have a lot of time to read, the audio-book of this hilarious self-help parody is for you. Instead of being frustrated by slow traffic while you commute to work, you can pass the time listening to Ronnie Champ's funny brand of self-help stupidity.

In this book, Ronnie Champ shares powerful life hacks that will enable you to play the women (and even gay men) like fiddles, while you keep all the haters in their place.

You will learn how to seduce the sexiest bitch in any brothel in America, using only your masculine charms and $117 in counterfeit currency.

You will learn the 7 Habits of Highly Dominant People, so that you can always keep your shit together when you use the toilet.

You will learn how to make the Law of Attraction work in your favor, so that the entire Universe becomes your personal genie and sex slave.

How to Win Girlfriends and Dominate People is a very funny book that comprises the collected wisdom of all of America's favorite self-help gurus, brilliantly taken to the reduction ad absurdum extreme.

You can order the audiobook on Audible at Audible.com (USA) or at Audible.co.uk (UK). You can also get the audiobook on Amazon and iTunes. 

Mueller Report Conclusion: Trump did not knowingly collude with Russia; he was merely their unwitting dupe!

Mueller Report: Trump did not collude with Russia; he was merely their unwitting dupe!

It's official. After nearly two years and multiple indictments of persons affiliated with Trump and his 2016 campaign, the Special Council investigation has reached its conclusion. According to the Mueller Report, Donald Trump did not knowingly collude with Russia;  he was merely their unwitting dupe.

Mueller Report Finding: "Trump Is Too Stupid to Collude with Anyone"

According to anonymous sources within Robert Mueller's team, the investigators quickly realized that there was no way Trump could have colluded with Russia: the President lacked the intelligence, foresight, and self-control needed to participate  in such a conspiracy.

"Trump is too stupid, to put it bluntly," said one official. "There's no way Trump would have been smart enough to pull something like that off. Trump doesn't even know his asshole from a hole in the ground. You think I'm joking; I'm not. One time, Trump came out of the lavatory on Air Force One smelling like horseshit. It turned out, he didn't realize that he had actually been wiping a hole in the ground, instead of his ass. He had shit all over his drawers. It was a real mess!"

"Trump couldn't have conspired with Putin to influence the election," said a former staff member. "Trump would have blown the conspiracy by Tweeting about it. And Putin was too smart to involve a dummy like Trump in his plans. No, Putin just played Trump like a fiddle and got his 'Manchurian Candidate' into the White House. Trump still doesn't know how he won. His ego is so big, and his brain is so small, that he thinks he did it all by himself."

Trump's Ignorance Saved Him from the Mueller Investigation

According to historian Amanda Ryder, Trump's ignorance and low intelligence saved him from being destroyed by the Russia Investigation. "The reason Nixon was impeached was not because of Watergate, but because he knew about Watergate and the cover-up," Dr. Ryder explained. "Generally, Presidents know what is going on in their Administrations, and candidates know what is going on, at least in the big picture, with their campaigns. However, in the case of Trump, he really didn't have a clue. If he had more intelligence, if he was more naturally curious and aware and competent, who knows. He probably would have known about what was going on with his campaign and the Russians. But as it was, he simply didn't understand how his campaign worked, and he doesn't understand how his Administration works. And as it turns out, that ignorance is what has saved him."

At a press conference last week, a reporter for the Bloom County Beacon directly asked Trump, "Mr. President, from a first-hand perspective, would you say that the popular saying is true, that ignorance is bliss?"

"I don't know," replied the President, confused. "I don't understand your question. Can you say it again, this time in plain English?"

Putin Denies Collusion; Vows to Stomp out Vicious Lies

On Wednesday, an unnamed Russian journalist asked Vladimir Putin, "Mr. President, why did Mueller Investigation miss obvious connection between Russia and Trump campaign." Suddenly, the reporter burst into flames and ran from the room, before collapsing in the middle of the street and dying a horrible death. "Forgive me if I forgot the reporter's question, in light of how she spontaneously combusted. Therefore, I will move onto another question."

Later that day, the Kremlin released a statement about the reporter's strange demise. "We have determined that the reporter died of natural causes. She was a victim of spontaneous combustion, a rare but fatal disease caused by congenital defect and lack of patriotism. We also wish to make a statement on a completely unrelated topic: the Mueller so-called investigation. We will stomp out these lies that are being spread by American media once we have completed stage three."

Vladimir Putin's press secretary would not elaborate on what was meant by "stage three."

Conclusion of the Mueller Investigation: Trump Was an Unwitting Dupe

According to anonymous sources familiar with the document, the Mueller Investigation's report concludes with the following statement: "Donald Trump did not knowingly collude with Russia during the campaign or afterwards. Instead, he was their unwitting dupe."

Funny Comedy Video: Funny Parodies and Satire Books by Ronnie Champ

Funny Parodies and Satire Books by Ronnie Champ

Funny Parodies & Satire Books

If you like funny comedy videos, humorous parody, and hilarious satire books, check out the new video of Ronnie Champ reading an excerpt from his insanely funny self-help parody, How to Win Girlfriends and Dominate People: Use the Secret of Positive Thinking to Think and Grow Rich. (Video embedded below.)

To give you an idea of the type of humor you will find in this book, imagine a combination of Ignatius Reilly from A Confederacy of Dunces, Yosemite Sam from Loony Tunes, and a criminally insane caricature of Tony Robbins, all rolled into one ridiculous self-help author, who will teach you how to become the smug and self-satisfied narcissist you've always wanted to be.

This very funny book is available in paperback and as an e-book on Amazon.

Funny Comedy Video 

Preview More of this Hilarious Self-Help Satire by Comedian Ronnie Champ

If you enjoyed this funny comedy video of Ronnie Champ reading from his hilarious self-help parody, How to Win Girlfriends and Dominate People, then preview more of this very funny book below or on Amazon. You can also check out Ronnie Champ's Amazon author page at amazon.com/author/ronniechamp. 

Humorous Parody & Funny Satire: The 7 Habits of Highly Dominant People

If you enjoy humorous parody and funny satire, you need to check out How to Win Girlfriends and Dominate People by Ronnie Champ. This hilarious book won't fix your relationship problems, but it will entertain you and make you laugh. 

Humorous Parody & Funny Satire by Ronnie Champ

Here is a sample from the book's fourteenth chapter, called "The Seven Habits of Highly Dominant People." This chapter is, of course, a humorous parody of the self-help series by Steven Covey. 

In this chapter, the author explains how you can develop these seven habits, and he provides some farcical stories from his own life to illustrate his points.

The Seven Habits of Highly Dominant People

So how do you become dominant like me? You have to practice the habits that all dominant people have in common. I call them the seven habits of highly dominant people.

If you want to win girlfriends and dominate people, you need to practice these seven habits until they are second nature. You need to become these seven habits, until you become Dominance itself, like me.

The seven habits of highly dominant people are:

1. Be aggressive and always attack first;

2. Begin with the Conquest in Mind;

3. Always Put Yourself First;

4. Always think “I win, you lose;”

5. Keep a shit list, with the names of all your enemies on it, and make your enemies pay dearly every chance you get;

6. Let your friends and allies know they are on thin ice, and that you will put them on your shit list if they don’t make you their number one priority; and

7. Sharpen your knives, so they’re always ready to stab your friends in the back.

These are the habits that you must develop in order to be a great man. If you want to be the alpha male with all the bitches, you better get your game face on and start practicing these habits every day until they come naturally.

First, be aggressive and always attack first. A fundamental law of nature is that the best defense is a good offense. Therefore, you need to become adept at causing offense. Say and do offensive things all the time! Don’t wait for others to attack you; attack them first! Become so good at starting shit and keeping shit going, that it will look like you are just defending yourself when you tear other people down. Stay on the offense with insults, lies, and character assassination, because the best defense is a good offense!

Second, begin with the conquest of others in mind. Whatever you do, do it in the name of putting other people in their place – beneath your feet! Start each day with a plan of how you will make women into your sex slaves and turn men into your ass-kissing admirers!

Third, always put yourself first. If anyone asks you to do anything, anything at all, your only question should be, “What’s in it for me?” Someone asks me for a charitable donation? Great, what’s in it for me? Will being charitable create a favorable impression with others, which I can then use to take advantage of “nice” people? Okay, I’ll make a pledge to your charity, on the condition that my “generosity” is broadcast as publicly as possible. (Notice, I said “pledge,” I have no intention of honoring my promise to give your charity anything!)
 

I am one with my dominance. I am dominance personified!

Fourth, think I win, you lose. Look, Life is a game, and you’re either a winner or a loser. There’s no middle ground. So if you win, that means I lose. No way! I win! You lose! Rig the deck if you have to! Play with loaded dice! Lie, cheat, and steal! Look at bribes as a good investment strategy! Might makes right, and the winners get to write (and re-write) the rules. So win, by any means necessary! And do whatever you need to do to make sure other people lose!

Humorous Parody & Funny Satire: How to Use the Shit List Effectively

For the fifth and sixth habits, you will need to keep two lists: a shit list for your enemies and a “benefiting me” list for your “friends.” (I put the term “friends” in quotes, because I think the popular notion of “friendship” is complete bullshit.)

The fifth habit consists of making your enemies, i.e., everyone on your shit list, pay dearly for not being your friend. Even if they are minding their own business and are not aware that they have made themselves your enemy, you still must treat them like they deserve every sort of foul treatment that you can think of. Nothing is too cruel. Nothing is off limits. As the saying goes, all is fair in love and war; and for me, if you’re not in love with me, then I am at war with you. Never, ever waste an opportunity to screw over the people who are on your shit list.

And let me emphasize that everyone is on your shit list by default, until they prove that they will benefit you in some way. Then, and only then, do you move them off your shit list and onto your “benefits me” list. And by “benefit,” I mean that the person willingly lets you fuck them (literally or figuratively), or they willingly help you to fuck other people. If this person cannot or will not help you get something good, then they belong on your shit list, plain and simple!

The sixth habit means using your so-called friends to benefit yourself and promptly moving them to your shit list when they don’t. It’s the other side of the coin of the fifth habit.

Whenever someone offers to benefit you, you make them think they’re your friend. I hear the term “friends with benefits” and I laugh. To me, that’s the only reason to be someone’s friends: they’re giving me benefits. As soon as the benefits stop flowing my way, I move this so-called “friend” over to my shit list. And then I start shitting on them. Usually, they have no idea they are no longer my friend until the discover that they are suddenly buried alive in a massive shit.

I first learned the sixth habit when I was a young child. I had a favorite stuffed animal, named Mr. Brown Bear. One day, Mr. Brown Bear was staring at me, and I was like, this thing looks possessed. It was just staring and staring at me. I was like, “Who you looking at, punk?” And it just kept staring and staring at me.

So you know what I did? I immediately dominated Mr. Brown Bear. I pushed him to the floor, stood on top of him, talked down to him while beating my chest, and then I took a shit on him.

Later, my mama got mad at me. “Why are you always shitting on yourself, boy?”

I said, “I’m not shitting on myself; I’m shitting on Mr. Brown Bear, cuz he was looking at me crazy.”

Then my mama started crying again, and she started giving me her speech. “Boy, why you trying to ruin my life?”

Anyway, my mama would be proud of me if she was alive to see me today. She would see how I became a self-made millionaire and how I practice the seven habits of dominance in everything I do. Instead of just shitting on stuffed animals, now I shit all over stupid people who piss me off.

So after you have adopted the first six habits of highly dominant people, you can bring yourself into a state of near-perfection by mastering the seventh habit: sharpen your blade, so you can stab everyone around you in the back.

If someone thinks she is my friend, but I realize that she is not really benefiting me anymore, then I move her over to my shit list. But I don’t let her know that she is now my enemy instead of my friend, until I already plunge the knife deep into her back. After she’s bleeding to death on the floor, I tell her, as I’m walking away, “Oh yeah, this whole ‘friendship’ [or ‘relationship’] thing just ain’t working out anymore.”

Humorous Parody & Funny Satire: How Ronnie Champ Dominated a Weird Boy and Displayed the Seven Habits in Action

Let me tell you a little story from my own life to help you better understand the seven habits of highly dominant people.

One day last year, I decided that I could use a sidekick. I thought about some of the great men that I know: Batman, The Lone Ranger, Calvin (from Calvin and Hobbes), Don Quixote, Mick Jagger, and James Brown. I realized something: they all have a sidekick! Batman has Robin, The Lone Ranger has Tonto, Don Quixote has Sancho Panza, Calvin has Hobbes the Tiger, Mick Jagger has Keith Richards, and James Brown has that guy who would always bring his cape or robe and try to throw it over him when he went “Owwwwww! Good God!” Since I, too, am a great man, I decided that I needed to get a sidekick too.

It was a cold, windy day in early December when I went out looking for my sidekick. Everyone was bundled up in heavy coats and thick winter gear . . . everyone, that is, except me! I decided to accept the challenge of Mother Nature and dominate both her and the cold weather. I went out wearing shorts, sandals, and a thin, black t-shirt emblazoned with the name of my favorite death-metal band, The Maggot-Infested Corpses, and their logo, which is this half-decayed zombie getting up out of a casket. That’s all I wore. Nothing else. Not even underwear.

As I stepped outside, I yelled at Mother Nature, “Bring it on, you bitch! I ain’t scared of you.” Most guys would be dominated by Mother Nature, but not me!

Because my car was out of gas, I decided to walk. Okay, in case you’re wondering, I decided to dominate my car, because my car was trying to tell me what to do. It said I needed to get gas right away. I said, “Listen, you punk-ass car, you ain’t gonna tell me what to do, ya little ho-ass car!” Besides, I didn’t exactly have the money on me to get the gas. But that’s not important. What is important is that my car started acting like a little stuck-up bitch. It basically stopped going until I got it some gas. I said, “You stupid bitch-ass car! You don’t want to give me a ride until I spend some more money on you? Okay, I just leave yo broke ass on the side of the road. You stupid bitch-ass car.” And I got out of the car, kicked the tire, and said, “Yeee.” That car was scared. It didn’t say nothing back to me. Stupid bitch-ass car.

So the next day, I walk by my broke-ass car, sitting on the side of the road. That car was still being a bitch, because I didn’t want to give it any gas. Not only that, but I looked at the window on the driver-side, and there’s some orange sticker that says I got to move my car or they’re going to tow it. So now, some stupid policeman is trying to get with my car and take it back to his place. Fuck that! 

I hopped right in and tried to drive away, but the bitch-ass car still wouldn’t go anywhere, because it didn’t have any gas.

I looked at my car, and I said, “You little ho! You probably want to go off with that police officer, just cause he gave you some sticker to wear. Well, if that’s how you want to be, then fuck you, and fuck your sticker, and fuck that stupid-ass cop that gave you that sticker. He can have your stupid ass.”

So I kicked my car in the tire and spit in her windshield. Stupid-ass car! Cars are like women, they just want you to spend money on them before they go anywhere with you. And the second you stop spending money on them, they go hook up with some policeman. I let my car know that I am done playing her stupid ass games.

So a few days later, my car was gone. “Good!” I thought. Serves that bitch-ass car right, for letting a policeman put stickers on her.

So that’s a long story, but that’s just to explain why I was walking on that cold winter day. I was walking, because I decided to stop taking shit from my car. I dominated my car. I dominated the shit out of my car. And my car couldn’t handle it, so she went and ran off with some policeman. Stupid car.

Anyway, so back to my story about how I exercised the seven habits of highly dominant people while I was out looking for a sidekick.

I was walking down the street, and I came to this morbidly obese, extremely pale motherfucker, with beady black eyes, an oversized orange nose, a gay-looking top hat, and a really faggoty-looking pink scarf. He was shaped like a freak of nature. He had really skinny, weak-looking arms; like, his arms were like two little twigs. But he had this big, fat, dumpy body. He looked like a bitch, so I decided to dominate him right then and there.

“Hey, nerd!” I yelled. He didn’t respond. He was so terrified, that he just froze. I sneered at him as I approached. I stood in front of him and reared up to my full height of ten feet tall (I had just finished using the rack that morning to stretch myself out). I looked down at him and snarled.

He looked absolutely terrified. He didn’t move a muscle. He was too scared of my manly essence to say anything.

“Hey, NERD!” I repeated.

He still didn’t say anything.

“Hey, NERD!” I yelled, as loud as I could.

Still no response.

Now this kid was starting to piss me off. I mean, when I ask you a question or say “Hey Nerd,” you better respond. Otherwise, you are disrespecting me. And where I come from, we got a saying. “Disrespect me once, shame on you. Disrespect me twice, well, you ain’t gonna disrespect me again!”

So this kid was trying to fool me by making me think he can’t hear me. But I’m like right up in this boy’s face. How could he not hear me? He must think I’m stupid.

So I mean mug this kid and flex my muscles and flash my gang signs by making a “W” and then a “P” with my fingers. The “W” is for white, and the “P” is for Puddville. Because I’m a white boy from Puddville, Alabama. You better recognize, fool!

This kid sees me representing my race and my hood. But he don’t do nothing in response. He just stares at me. So I say to him, “Dude, what the fuck are you staring at?”

Now, I got him in what is known as a dilemma. No matter what he says in reply, I got him. If he says, “I ain’t staring at you,” then I can be like Robert DeNiro in Taxi Driver and say, “I don’t see anyone else here, so you must be staring at me.” If he says that he is staring at me, then I say, “You think I’m handsome or something? You want me to fuck you?”

But this kid throws me for a complete loop, because he doesn’t say anything! I’m like, damn! This kid is hardcore! Like, I’m flexing in his face and mean-mugging him and calling his mama all kinds of bitches and hoes, and he doesn’t say nothing!

So I do like Robert DeNiro in Taxi Driver, and I say, “Ain’t nobody else here, but me and you. So you must be staring at me.” I laugh. I get into a stance like a boxer. I say, “I’m a-gonna give you a black eye, fool!”

I could tell he was scared, because he still didn’t say nothing. So then I acted like I was going to hit him, and I said, “Aw, shit, I can’t give you no black eye, because your eyes are already like so black. Like you just have two big pupils, with no irises and no white in your eyes. Like you got two lumps of coal for eyes. You fucking fairy.”

And this little punk-ass boy still didn’t say a damn thing. So I got right up in his face.

Just then, this girl comes out of the house and says, “You leave my snowman alone!”

I said, “Excuse me, miss, but your little snowman is about to get his frosty-ass kicked – excuse my French.”

“I don’t speak French,” said the girl. “But you need to leave my snowman alone, before I call the police.”

I looked dead in Mr. Snowman’s eyes and said, “Yo, you lucky this little girl is here, because otherwise, I would totally kick your ass!”

Mr. Snowman didn’t say a damn thing. I just turned around and walked away. The girl gave Mr. Snowman a hug and started saying all kinds of cute shit. What kind of a man calls himself “Mr. Snowman?” What a faggot. That guy needs a girl to protect him? What kind of boy can’t stand up for himself? What kind of boy wears a sissy-ass pink scarf?

When I got across the street, I flashed my two gang signs again: the “W” and the “P.” I could see the fear in Mr. Snowman’s face. He didn’t dare say anything in response, even with me standing on the other side of the street.

Just then, I saw another girl coming outside from another house. She had a camera in her hand, and she was smiling and laughing. She said something to the other girl, who shook her head and looked angry. I couldn’t hear what they said, but I imagine it must have been something like, “I got a video of your punk-ass boyfriend getting totally punked out by that bad-ass, dominating dude.”

Later, I became something of a local celebrity when that video was shared online. As it turns out, lots of people enjoyed seeing me punk out that punk-ass fairy, “Mr. Snowman.” What kind of gay-ass name is that?

Anyway, I did not find my sidekick that day. But the important thing is, I did totally dominate Mr. Frosty. I totally practiced the seven habits of highly dominant people, to his face, and he didn’t do shit about it but let me dominate him.

So if you just imitate me every day, pretty soon you will find yourself dominating more and more people too, until you are almost as dominant as me!

For More Humorous Parody and Funny Satire, Check Out How to Win Girlfriends and Dominate People on Amazon

Now, if you want to learn more about how to become a more dominant person, check out the rest of this humorous parody and funny satire, How to Win Girlfriends and Dominate People, on Amazon. If you enjoyed reading about the Seven Habits of Highly Dominant People, then you'll really love the next chapter of the book, called “Getting things done . . . with DOMINANCE!”