Saturday, March 2, 2019

Humorous Parody & Funny Satire: The 7 Habits of Highly Dominant People

If you enjoy humorous parody and funny satire, you need to check out How to Win Girlfriends and Dominate People by Ronnie Champ. This hilarious book won't fix your relationship problems, but it will entertain you and make you laugh. 

Image of book cover for humorous parody and funny satire by Ronnie Champ
Humorous Parody & Funny Satire by Ronnie Champ
Here is a sample from the book's fourteenth chapter, called "The Seven Habits of Highly Dominant People." This chapter is, of course, a humorous parody of the self-help series by Steven Covey. 

In this chapter, the author explains how you can develop these seven habits, and he provides some farcical stories from his own life to illustrate his points.

The Seven Habits of Highly Dominant People

So how do you become dominant like me? You have to practice the habits that all dominant people have in common. I call them the seven habits of highly dominant people.

If you want to win girlfriends and dominate people, you need to practice these seven habits until they are second nature. You need to become these seven habits, until you become Dominance itself, like me.

The seven habits of highly dominant people are:
1. Be aggressive and always attack first;
2. Begin with the Conquest in Mind;
3. Always Put Yourself First;
4. Always think “I win, you lose;”
5. Keep a shit list, with the names of all your enemies on it, and make your enemies pay dearly every chance you get;
6. Let your friends and allies know they are on thin ice, and that you will put them on your shit list if they don’t make you their number one priority; and
7. Sharpen your knives, so they’re always ready to stab your friends in the back.

These are the habits that you must develop in order to be a great man. If you want to be the alpha male with all the bitches, you better get your game face on and start practicing these habits every day until they come naturally.

First, be aggressive and always attack first. A fundamental law of nature is that the best defense is a good offense. Therefore, you need to become adept at causing offense. Say and do offensive things all the time! Don’t wait for others to attack you; attack them first! Become so good at starting shit and keeping shit going, that it will look like you are just defending yourself when you tear other people down. Stay on the offense with insults, lies, and character assassination, because the best defense is a good offense!

Second, begin with the conquest of others in mind. Whatever you do, do it in the name of putting other people in their place – beneath your feet! Start each day with a plan of how you will make women into your sex slaves and turn men into your ass-kissing admirers!

Third, always put yourself first. If anyone asks you to do anything, anything at all, your only question should be, “What’s in it for me?” Someone asks me for a charitable donation? Great, what’s in it for me? Will being charitable create a favorable impression with others, which I can then use to take advantage of “nice” people? Okay, I’ll make a pledge to your charity, on the condition that my “generosity” is broadcast as publicly as possible. (Notice, I said “pledge,” I have no intention of honoring my promise to give your charity anything!)
I am one with my dominance. I am dominance personified!

Fourth, think I win, you lose. Look, Life is a game, and you’re either a winner or a loser. There’s no middle ground. So if you win, that means I lose. No way! I win! You lose! Rig the deck if you have to! Play with loaded dice! Lie, cheat, and steal! Look at bribes as a good investment strategy! Might makes right, and the winners get to write (and re-write) the rules. So win, by any means necessary! And do whatever you need to do to make sure other people lose!

Humorous Parody & Funny Satire: How to Use the Shit List Effectively

For the fifth and sixth habits, you will need to keep two lists: a shit list for your enemies and a “benefiting me” list for your “friends.” (I put the term “friends” in quotes, because I think the popular notion of “friendship” is complete bullshit.)

The fifth habit consists of making your enemies, i.e., everyone on your shit list, pay dearly for not being your friend. Even if they are minding their own business and are not aware that they have made themselves your enemy, you still must treat them like they deserve every sort of foul treatment that you can think of. Nothing is too cruel. Nothing is off limits. As the saying goes, all is fair in love and war; and for me, if you’re not in love with me, then I am at war with you. Never, ever waste an opportunity to screw over the people who are on your shit list.

And let me emphasize that everyone is on your shit list by default, until they prove that they will benefit you in some way. Then, and only then, do you move them off your shit list and onto your “benefits me” list. And by “benefit,” I mean that the person willingly lets you fuck them (literally or figuratively), or they willingly help you to fuck other people. If this person cannot or will not help you get something good, then they belong on your shit list, plain and simple!

The sixth habit means using your so-called friends to benefit yourself and promptly moving them to your shit list when they don’t. It’s the other side of the coin of the fifth habit.

Whenever someone offers to benefit you, you make them think they’re your friend. I hear the term “friends with benefits” and I laugh. To me, that’s the only reason to be someone’s friends: they’re giving me benefits. As soon as the benefits stop flowing my way, I move this so-called “friend” over to my shit list. And then I start shitting on them. Usually, they have no idea they are no longer my friend until the discover that they are suddenly buried alive in a massive shit.

I first learned the sixth habit when I was a young child. I had a favorite stuffed animal, named Mr. Brown Bear. One day, Mr. Brown Bear was staring at me, and I was like, this thing looks possessed. It was just staring and staring at me. I was like, “Who you looking at, punk?” And it just kept staring and staring at me.

So you know what I did? I immediately dominated Mr. Brown Bear. I pushed him to the floor, stood on top of him, talked down to him while beating my chest, and then I took a shit on him.

Later, my mama got mad at me. “Why are you always shitting on yourself, boy?”

I said, “I’m not shitting on myself; I’m shitting on Mr. Brown Bear, cuz he was looking at me crazy.”

Then my mama started crying again, and she started giving me her speech. “Boy, why you trying to ruin my life?”

Anyway, my mama would be proud of me if she was alive to see me today. She would see how I became a self-made millionaire and how I practice the seven habits of dominance in everything I do. Instead of just shitting on stuffed animals, now I shit all over stupid people who piss me off.

So after you have adopted the first six habits of highly dominant people, you can bring yourself into a state of near-perfection by mastering the seventh habit: sharpen your blade, so you can stab everyone around you in the back.

If someone thinks she is my friend, but I realize that she is not really benefiting me anymore, then I move her over to my shit list. But I don’t let her know that she is now my enemy instead of my friend, until I already plunge the knife deep into her back. After she’s bleeding to death on the floor, I tell her, as I’m walking away, “Oh yeah, this whole ‘friendship’ [or ‘relationship’] thing just ain’t working out anymore.”

Humorous Parody & Funny Satire: How Ronnie Champ Dominated a Weird Boy and Displayed the Seven Habits in Action

Let me tell you a little story from my own life to help you better understand the seven habits of highly dominant people.

One day last year, I decided that I could use a sidekick. I thought about some of the great men that I know: Batman, The Lone Ranger, Calvin (from Calvin and Hobbes), Don Quixote, Mick Jagger, and James Brown. I realized something: they all have a sidekick! Batman has Robin, The Lone Ranger has Tonto, Don Quixote has Sancho Panza, Calvin has Hobbes the Tiger, Mick Jagger has Keith Richards, and James Brown has that guy who would always bring his cape or robe and try to throw it over him when he went “Owwwwww! Good God!” Since I, too, am a great man, I decided that I needed to get a sidekick too.

It was a cold, windy day in early December when I went out looking for my sidekick. Everyone was bundled up in heavy coats and thick winter gear . . . everyone, that is, except me! I decided to accept the challenge of Mother Nature and dominate both her and the cold weather. I went out wearing shorts, sandals, and a thin, black t-shirt emblazoned with the name of my favorite death-metal band, The Maggot-Infested Corpses, and their logo, which is this half-decayed zombie getting up out of a casket. That’s all I wore. Nothing else. Not even underwear.

As I stepped outside, I yelled at Mother Nature, “Bring it on, you bitch! I ain’t scared of you.” Most guys would be dominated by Mother Nature, but not me!

Because my car was out of gas, I decided to walk. Okay, in case you’re wondering, I decided to dominate my car, because my car was trying to tell me what to do. It said I needed to get gas right away. I said, “Listen, you punk-ass car, you ain’t gonna tell me what to do, ya little ho-ass car!” Besides, I didn’t exactly have the money on me to get the gas. But that’s not important. What is important is that my car started acting like a little stuck-up bitch. It basically stopped going until I got it some gas. I said, “You stupid bitch-ass car! You don’t want to give me a ride until I spend some more money on you? Okay, I just leave yo broke ass on the side of the road. You stupid bitch-ass car.” And I got out of the car, kicked the tire, and said, “Yeee.” That car was scared. It didn’t say nothing back to me. Stupid bitch-ass car.

So the next day, I walk by my broke-ass car, sitting on the side of the road. That car was still being a bitch, because I didn’t want to give it any gas. Not only that, but I looked at the window on the driver-side, and there’s some orange sticker that says I got to move my car or they’re going to tow it. So now, some stupid policeman is trying to get with my car and take it back to his place. Fuck that! 

I hopped right in and tried to drive away, but the bitch-ass car still wouldn’t go anywhere, because it didn’t have any gas.

I looked at my car, and I said, “You little ho! You probably want to go off with that police officer, just cause he gave you some sticker to wear. Well, if that’s how you want to be, then fuck you, and fuck your sticker, and fuck that stupid-ass cop that gave you that sticker. He can have your stupid ass.”

So I kicked my car in the tire and spit in her windshield. Stupid-ass car! Cars are like women, they just want you to spend money on them before they go anywhere with you. And the second you stop spending money on them, they go hook up with some policeman. I let my car know that I am done playing her stupid ass games.

So a few days later, my car was gone. “Good!” I thought. Serves that bitch-ass car right, for letting a policeman put stickers on her.

So that’s a long story, but that’s just to explain why I was walking on that cold winter day. I was walking, because I decided to stop taking shit from my car. I dominated my car. I dominated the shit out of my car. And my car couldn’t handle it, so she went and ran off with some policeman. Stupid car.

Anyway, so back to my story about how I exercised the seven habits of highly dominant people while I was out looking for a sidekick.
I was walking down the street, and I came to this morbidly obese, extremely pale motherfucker, with beady black eyes, an oversized orange nose, a gay-looking top hat, and a really faggoty-looking pink scarf. He was shaped like a freak of nature. He had really skinny, weak-looking arms; like, his arms were like two little twigs. But he had this big, fat, dumpy body. He looked like a bitch, so I decided to dominate him right then and there.

“Hey, nerd!” I yelled. He didn’t respond. He was so terrified, that he just froze. I sneered at him as I approached. I stood in front of him and reared up to my full height of ten feet tall (I had just finished using the rack that morning to stretch myself out). I looked down at him and snarled.

He looked absolutely terrified. He didn’t move a muscle. He was too scared of my manly essence to say anything.

“Hey, NERD!” I repeated.

He still didn’t say anything.

“Hey, NERD!” I yelled, as loud as I could.

Still no response.

Now this kid was starting to piss me off. I mean, when I ask you a question or say “Hey Nerd,” you better respond. Otherwise, you are disrespecting me. And where I come from, we got a saying. “Disrespect me once, shame on you. Disrespect me twice, well, you ain’t gonna disrespect me again!”

So this kid was trying to fool me by making me think he can’t hear me. But I’m like right up in this boy’s face. How could he not hear me? He must think I’m stupid.

So I mean mug this kid and flex my muscles and flash my gang signs by making a “W” and then a “P” with my fingers. The “W” is for white, and the “P” is for Puddville. Because I’m a white boy from Puddville, Alabama. You better recognize, fool!

This kid sees me representing my race and my hood. But he don’t do nothing in response. He just stares at me. So I say to him, “Dude, what the fuck are you staring at?”

Now, I got him in what is known as a dilemma. No matter what he says in reply, I got him. If he says, “I ain’t staring at you,” then I can be like Robert DeNiro in Taxi Driver and say, “I don’t see anyone else here, so you must be staring at me.” If he says that he is staring at me, then I say, “You think I’m handsome or something? You want me to fuck you?”

But this kid throws me for a complete loop, because he doesn’t say anything! I’m like, damn! This kid is hardcore! Like, I’m flexing in his face and mean-mugging him and calling his mama all kinds of bitches and hoes, and he doesn’t say nothing!

So I do like Robert DeNiro in Taxi Driver, and I say, “Ain’t nobody else here, but me and you. So you must be staring at me.” I laugh. I get into a stance like a boxer. I say, “I’m a-gonna give you a black eye, fool!”

I could tell he was scared, because he still didn’t say nothing. So then I acted like I was going to hit him, and I said, “Aw, shit, I can’t give you no black eye, because your eyes are already like so black. Like you just have two big pupils, with no irises and no white in your eyes. Like you got two lumps of coal for eyes. You fucking fairy.”

And this little punk-ass boy still didn’t say a damn thing. So I got right up in his face.

Just then, this girl comes out of the house and says, “You leave my snowman alone!”

I said, “Excuse me, miss, but your little snowman is about to get his frosty-ass kicked – excuse my French.”

“I don’t speak French,” said the girl. “But you need to leave my snowman alone, before I call the police.”

I looked dead in Mr. Snowman’s eyes and said, “Yo, you lucky this little girl is here, because otherwise, I would totally kick your ass!”

Mr. Snowman didn’t say a damn thing. I just turned around and walked away. The girl gave Mr. Snowman a hug and started saying all kinds of cute shit. What kind of a man calls himself “Mr. Snowman?” What a faggot. That guy needs a girl to protect him? What kind of boy can’t stand up for himself? What kind of boy wears a sissy-ass pink scarf?

When I got across the street, I flashed my two gang signs again: the “W” and the “P.” I could see the fear in Mr. Snowman’s face. He didn’t dare say anything in response, even with me standing on the other side of the street.

Just then, I saw another girl coming outside from another house. She had a camera in her hand, and she was smiling and laughing. She said something to the other girl, who shook her head and looked angry. I couldn’t hear what they said, but I imagine it must have been something like, “I got a video of your punk-ass boyfriend getting totally punked out by that bad-ass, dominating dude.”

Later, I became something of a local celebrity when that video was shared online. As it turns out, lots of people enjoyed seeing me punk out that punk-ass fairy, “Mr. Snowman.” What kind of gay-ass name is that?

Anyway, I did not find my sidekick that day. But the important thing is, I did totally dominate Mr. Frosty. I totally practiced the seven habits of highly dominant people, to his face, and he didn’t do shit about it but let me dominate him.

So if you just imitate me every day, pretty soon you will find yourself dominating more and more people too, until you are almost as dominant as me!

For More Humorous Parody and Funny Satire, Check Out How to Win Girlfriends and Dominate People on Amazon

Now, if you want to learn more about how to become a more dominant person, check out the rest of this humorous parody and funny satire, How to Win Girlfriends and Dominate People, on Amazon. If you enjoyed reading about the Seven Habits of Highly Dominant People, then you'll really love the next chapter of the book, called “Getting things done . . . with DOMINANCE!”

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Ronnie Champ, aka The DOMINATOR!

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