Friday, March 29, 2019

Mueller Report Conclusion: Trump did not knowingly collude with Russia; he was merely their unwitting dupe!

Mueller Report: Trump did not collude with Russia; he was merely their unwitting dupe_Image of Trump_Special Council Investigation
Mueller Report: Trump did not collude with Russia; he was merely their unwitting dupe!
It's official. After nearly two years and multiple indictments of persons affiliated with Trump and his 2016 campaign, the Special Council investigation has reached its conclusion. According to the Mueller Report, Donald Trump did not knowingly collude with Russia;  he was merely their unwitting dupe.

Mueller Report Finding: "Trump Is Too Stupid to Collude with Anyone"

According to anonymous sources within Robert Mueller's team, the investigators quickly realized that there was no way Trump could have colluded with Russia: the President lacked the intelligence, foresight, and self-control needed to participate  in such a conspiracy.

"Trump is too stupid, to put it bluntly," said one official. "There's no way Trump would have been smart enough to pull something like that off. Trump doesn't even know his asshole from a hole in the ground. You think I'm joking; I'm not. One time, Trump came out of the lavatory on Air Force One smelling like horseshit. It turned out, he didn't realize that he had actually been wiping a hole in the ground, instead of his ass. He had shit all over his drawers. It was a real mess!"

"Trump couldn't have conspired with Putin to influence the election," said a former staff member. "Trump would have blown the conspiracy by Tweeting about it. And Putin was too smart to involve a dummy like Trump in his plans. No, Putin just played Trump like a fiddle and got his 'Manchurian Candidate' into the White House. Trump still doesn't know how he won. His ego is so big, and his brain is so small, that he thinks he did it all by himself."

Trump's Ignorance Saved Him from the Mueller Investigation

According to historian Amanda Ryder, Trump's ignorance and low intelligence saved him from being destroyed by the Russia Investigation. "The reason Nixon was impeached was not because of Watergate, but because he knew about Watergate and the cover-up," Dr. Ryder explained. "Generally, Presidents know what is going on in their Administrations, and candidates know what is going on, at least in the big picture, with their campaigns. However, in the case of Trump, he really didn't have a clue. If he had more intelligence, if he was more naturally curious and aware and competent, who knows. He probably would have known about what was going on with his campaign and the Russians. But as it was, he simply didn't understand how his campaign worked, and he doesn't understand how his Administration works. And as it turns out, that ignorance is what has saved him."

At a press conference last week, a reporter for the Bloom County Beacon directly asked Trump, "Mr. President, from a first-hand perspective, would you say that the popular saying is true, that ignorance is bliss?"

"I don't know," replied the President, confused. "I don't understand your question. Can you say it again, this time in plain English?"

Putin Denies Collusion; Vows to Stomp out Vicious Lies

On Wednesday, an unnamed Russian journalist asked Vladimir Putin, "Mr. President, why did Mueller Investigation miss obvious connection between Russia and Trump campaign." Suddenly, the reporter burst into flames and ran from the room, before collapsing in the middle of the street and dying a horrible death. "Forgive me if I forgot the reporter's question, in light of how she spontaneously combusted. Therefore, I will move onto another question."

Later that day, the Kremlin released a statement about the reporter's strange demise. "We have determined that the reporter died of natural causes. She was a victim of spontaneous combustion, a rare but fatal disease caused by congenital defect and lack of patriotism. We also wish to make a statement on a completely unrelated topic: the Mueller so-called investigation. We will stomp out these lies that are being spread by American media once we have completed stage three."

Vladimir Putin's press secretary would not elaborate on what was meant by "stage three."

Conclusion of the Mueller Investigation: Trump Was an Unwitting Dupe

According to anonymous sources familiar with the document, the Mueller Investigation's report concludes with the following statement: "Donald Trump did not knowingly collude with Russia during the campaign or afterwards. Instead, he was their unwitting dupe."


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