Monday, May 20, 2019

Alabama Abortion Law Protects Boogers!

Ever since the Alabama abortion law passed, the people around here have been going crazy. Pro-lifers are acting like this is the Emancipation Proclamation, like the evil feminists have been forcing the fetuses to do slave labor or something. Pro-choicers are going berserk because they feel like Alabama is trying to roll back all the rights women have fought for since the 1890s. With the abortion debate raging all around me, I felt like I needed a laugh, so I decided to see whether the Alabama Abortion Law protects boogers.

Is this a 6-week-old fetus or a booger? Is it protected by the Alabama abortion law, or can I flush it down the toilet? Image of booger in tissue that looks like 6-week-old fetus
Is this a 6-week-old fetus or a booger? Is it protected by the Alabama abortion law, or can I flush it down the toilet?

Can you tell if the thing in this picture is a six-week-old fetus or a booger? Is it protected by the new Alabama abortion law, or can I flush it down the toilet?

I can't tell the difference, and neither could the people at the Operation Save White America (OSWA) office here in Puddville, Alabama. (OSWA is one of the nation's most influential pro-life groups.)

Did I commit a felony, under the Alabama Abortion Law? Or did I just sneeze?

"Oh shit!" I yelled, as I ran inside the front door of OSWA. "I think I just committed a felony!"

"Good Lord Almighty!" cried the receptionist, with a terrified expression on her face. She turned and announced, to no one in particular, "Looks like another one of our guys just killed an abortion doctor or something. Someone else will have to take care of this one. I already got two aiding-and-abetting charges pending against me. I can't take any more."

"No, I didn't kill any abortion doctors," I said, trying to calm her down. "I think I might have accidentally performed an abortion, though."

Her jaw dropped. "Murderer!" she screamed. "Call the police!"

I held my finger to my lips and hissed at her to be quiet. "Be cool, lady," I said. "I was just going down on my girlfriend, and I suddenly felt something slimy on my tongue. I think I might have dislodged the fetus by mistake. We didn't even know she was pregnant.

"Just look at our precious, unborn child," I continued. I held out a tissue with a small, slimy mass in the middle.

She looked at the "fetus" and made a clicking sound with her tongue.

"Can God ever forgive me for this heinous sin?" I wailed.

"I doubt it," she replied. "God is rich in mercy, but he said that if anyone wrongs one of his little ones -- and you don't get too much littler than a fetus -- then it would be better if 'a millstone were hanged about his neck and he was dragged into the sea.'"

"So I'm screwed, then, right?" I asked, trying to look as pitiable as possible.

You can kill abortion doctors, but not fetuses (or boogers)

"Pretty much," she said. "I mean, if you killed an abortion doctor, we could maybe get you off. You know, I got a televangelist friend who knows how to navigate the courts of heaven better than anyone. He's written a book about it, how to get your prayers answered in 15 minutes or less, guaranteed. He could go to work for you if it was something like killing an abortion doctor. But killing a fetus? Sheesh. You're pretty much gonna burn in hell for a long time for that one."

"Do you have any rope or anything I could kill myself with?" I cried.

"Well, suicide is a sin," she said.

"What have I got to lose now?" I asked.

"Well, probably not much," she replied, with a dour expression. "But, of course, I can't help you do it, or else I'll be in trouble."

"I see," I said. "Well, at least I've got a long life ahead of me, so I can have a good time before I die and face eternal judgment for this abortion I accidentally committed."

"Not so fast!" she yelled. "You know that's a felony now, in this great state of Alabama. I am under a legal and an ethical obligation to report you to the authorities."

"You mean you're calling the police?"

She pursed her lips, clenched her jaw, and nodded.

I shook my head and laughed. "Won't you look dumb when the police get here and realize this is a booger, not a fetus."

She glared and pointed her bony finger at me. "You know, there's also a law against making a threat to abort a child."

"That wasn't a threat," I replied. "I was joking about doing something in the past, that I didn't actually do. A threat relates to some future action or danger."

"God will abort you!" she yelled. "The Bible says that God is not to be mocked."

"I'm not mocking God; I'm mocking you," I said, as I turned to leave. "You know, people like you could sure benefit from having a sense of humor. Pro-life. Hah. You're against all the things that make life worth living."

The Alabama Abortion Law Is No Joke!

As I drove away from the scene of the "crime," a police car whizzed past me, going the other way, its lights flashing and its sirens wailing. I guess here in Alabama, people won't take chances. If you have a booger that looks like it could be a dead six-week-old fetus, you better watch out, because the cops will take you in! This new Alabama abortion law is no joke!


Sunday, May 19, 2019

Abortion Stories: A Brilliant Satire of the "Pro-Life" Movement

Abortion Stories!: A Thoughtful Satire of Pro-Lifers & the Alabama Abortion Ban_image of ebook cover
Abortion Stories!: A Thoughtful Satire of Pro-Lifers & the Alabama Abortion Ban
If you want to know what's going on with the new anti-abortion law in Alabama, check out Abortion Stories!, which is a timely, thought-provoking, and witty satire of the "pro-life" movement.

Timely Satire of Pro-Lifers and Alabama's Anti-Abortion Law

As you know, Alabama has always led the way when it comes to civil rights (at least when it comes to denying them). So it's no surprise that Alabama's lawmakers have bravely led the way to make Alabama the first state to protect the civil rights of six-week-old fetuses.

No matter how small the fetus, no matter how undeveloped its nervous system, and regardless of whether it has any capacity at all for conscious suffering, the rights of the fetus will always trump the rights and wellbeing of the mother. Why? Because the mother is a woman, and in Alabama, women are not really as valuable as men -- or fetuses, for that matter. In fact, the only reason women in Alabama have the vote is because the federal constitution requires it.

Alabama has now become the first state to take its abortion laws back to the 1950s (which were, of course, the heyday of Alabama's leadership in the area of human rights).

So Ronnie Champ has written Abortion Stories! to celebrate Alabama's progress in turning back the clock on women's rights, as well as Alabama's success in blurring the line separating church and state. In this funny and provocative book, Ronnie Champ interviews three persons and one woman (Mr. Champ does not consider women to be persons) who have experienced abortion. 
  • The first person is a six-week-old fetus, who is able to do an interview, even though she has no ears and no mouth. Fetus Jane tells the horrifying story of how she was aborted only days before Alabama's new anti-abortion law took effect. 
  • The second person is Reverend Backfall, who leads evangelistic crusades in the dumpsters behind abortion clinics. The reverend has led over 8,000 aborted fetuses to Christ.
  • The woman (not a person) is Winnifred Whitewash, who tells the terrifying tale of how she became pregnant with the spawn of Satan, and how she was forced to have an abortion in order to prevent the anti-Christ from being born. This experience taught Winnifred that abortions are always wrong and that abortion should, therefore, be outlawed.
  • The third person is a convicted rapist and murderer, Chester W., whose parental rights were terminated by his victim's unilateral decision to abort his child, just because the child was conceived during a rape. As Chester notes, if Alabama's new abortion law had been in effect when he raped the child's mother, then she would not have been able to have an abortion.
The book concludes with Ronnie Champ's very modest proposal, which would end abortion, solve world hunger, and correct the trade deficit between the USA and Asia, all at the same time! 

This incredibly powerful and very timely satire of Alabama's "pro-lifers" delivers an important message in a funny and engaging way.

Comedian Bill Hicks on Pro-Lifers (from Rant in E-Minor)

For those who enjoy good, funny, and thoughtful comedy combined with keen social criticism, here's something else you might like, comedian Bill Hicks's bit about American pro-lifers. It's too bad that Bill Hicks is not around to do a bit on the Trump Administration, although Hicks's material on the stupidity of previous Presidents could easily apply to Trump. But this bit about abortion and pro-lifers is just as funny and relevant today as it was when Hicks died, 25 years ago.

Preview Abortion Stories!, the Satire of Pro-Lifers and the Alabama Abortion Ban

To read more satire writing about the Alabama Abortion Ban and the Pro-Life movement, you can preview book Abortion Stories! below...
If you enjoyed our coverage of the Pro-Life movement, please check out other posts and articles on RonnieChamp.com for more great humor and satire writing.

Sunday, May 5, 2019

Happy Cinco de Mayo!

Funny image of people partying and drinking margaritas on Cinco de Mayo; for humorous history of Cinco de Mayo.
Happy Cinco de Mayo, bitches!
Happy Cinco de Mayo, bitches! Time to get drunk and slobber on some waitresses like retards! Good ol' American frat-party fun!!! 😜🍹

Here in the United States, today is Cinco de Mayo, which is Mexican for the Fifth of May. It's the day we celebrate the invention of the margarita by drinking as many of them as we can, along with shots of takillya and mugs of Mexican beer, until we wind up driving home drunk and wondering who parked our car on the sidewalk the next morning. Whoo hoo!

I did some research into the history of Cinco de Mayo by asking celebrants at various Mexican restaurants to tell me what they knew about this important holiday. Let me summarize for you what I found out.

Back in 1862, the French were trying to take over Mexico. It was a crisis. The Mexicans were great boxers, but they did not have any guns. They were having a hard time fighting the French. But the Mexicans had a plan.

One night, the Mexicans built a giant piñata and wheeled it in front of the French army's camp. When the French woke up in the morning, they thought the Mexicans had given them a present. They brought the giant piñata into their camp.

The French were confused. They inspected the piñata. They hit it with sticks. All of a sudden, the piñata burst open. Lots of Mexican waitresses came out with pitchers full of a special new drink: the margarita.

The French were thirsty. They drank the margaritas. And then they drank some more. They drank and they drank, until they passed out. The French were toast.

The Mexican army came through while the French were lying there, wasted. The French woke up to find that they were surrounded. Even worse, they were shitfaced. In their drunken stupor the night before, they had mistaken piles of horseshit for pillows.

They tried to fight, but they were useless. Their heads were pounding, their eyes were crossed, and they had double vision. They thought there were twice as many Mexicans as there actually were, and when the French fired their rifles, they missed and shot each other instead. The French retreated in haste. The Mexicans had won.

Did the Mexicans win the war with the French? No they did not. They won the battle, but they lost the war.

Nevertheless, the Mexicans had a lot to celebrate: they had invented one of the world's most popular beverages. The development of the margarita proved to be a turning point, as it gave Mexican restaurants a signature product to sell, thereby ensuring that Mexican emigrants to other countries would always have a profitable line of business to enter: restaurants and cantinas. No matter where you go in the world, you can find a Mexican restaurant to serve you a margarita.
And every Cinco de Mayo, we celebrate this achievement of the Mexican army by guzzling margaritas by the gallon, until we pass out like the French did. Go Mexico! Whoo hoo! Then we wake up, and listen to the news and hear President Donald Trump say that Mexicans are bad and that we need to build a wall to keep them out, and we say, "Hell yeah!"

Saturday, May 4, 2019

Audiobook for How to Win Girlfriends & Dominate People (Self-Help Parody)

Cover design for audiobook of How to Win Girlfriends and Dominate People (Self-Help Parody)
Audiobook version of How to Win Girlfriends & Dominate People (Self-Help Parody)
I am pleased to announce that the audiobook version of How to Win Girlfriends and Dominate People (Self-Help Parody) is available from the following retailers: Audible, Amazon, and iTunes.

The book is narrated by Chris Faircloth, who does a great job bringing the character of Ronnie Champ to life.

If you enjoy absurd humor, parody, and satire, but don't have a lot of time to read, the audiobook of this hilarious self-help parody is for you. Instead of being frustrated by slow traffic while you commute to work, you can pass the time listening to Ronnie Champ's funny brand of self-help stupidity.

In this book, Ronnie Champ shares powerful life hacks that will enable you to play the women (and even gay men) like fiddles, while you keep all the haters in their place.

You will learn how to seduce the sexiest bitch in any brothel in America, using only your masculine charms and $117 in counterfeit currency.

You will learn the 7 Habits of Highly Dominant People, so that you can always keep your shit together when you use the toilet.

You will learn how to make the Law of Attraction work in your favor, so that the entire Universe becomes your personal genie and sex slave.

How to Win Girlfriends and Dominate People is a very funny book that comprises the collected wisdom of all of America's favorite self-help gurus, brilliantly taken to the reduction ad absurdum extreme.

You can order the audiobook on Audible at Audible.com (USA) or at Audible.co.uk (UK). You can also get the audiobook on Amazon and iTunes. 

Alabama Abortion Law Protects Boogers!

Ever since the Alabama abortion law passed, the people around here have been going crazy. Pro-lifers are acting like this is the Emancipat...