Monday, May 20, 2019

Alabama Abortion Law Protects Boogers!

Ever since the Alabama abortion law passed, the people around here have been going crazy. Pro-lifers are acting like this is the Emancipation Proclamation, like the evil feminists have been forcing the fetuses to do slave labor or something. Pro-choicers are going berserk because they feel like Alabama is trying to roll back all the rights women have fought for since the 1890s. With the abortion debate raging all around me, I felt like I needed a laugh, so I decided to see whether the Alabama Abortion Law protects boogers.

Is this a 6-week-old fetus or a booger? Is it protected by the Alabama abortion law, or can I flush it down the toilet? Image of booger in tissue that looks like 6-week-old fetus
Is this a 6-week-old fetus or a booger? Is it protected by the Alabama abortion law, or can I flush it down the toilet?

Can you tell if the thing in this picture is a six-week-old fetus or a booger? Is it protected by the new Alabama abortion law, or can I flush it down the toilet?

I can't tell the difference, and neither could the people at the Operation Save White America (OSWA) office here in Puddville, Alabama. (OSWA is one of the nation's most influential pro-life groups.)

Did I commit a felony, under the Alabama Abortion Law? Or did I just sneeze?

"Oh shit!" I yelled, as I ran inside the front door of OSWA. "I think I just committed a felony!"

"Good Lord Almighty!" cried the receptionist, with a terrified expression on her face. She turned and announced, to no one in particular, "Looks like another one of our guys just killed an abortion doctor or something. Someone else will have to take care of this one. I already got two aiding-and-abetting charges pending against me. I can't take any more."

"No, I didn't kill any abortion doctors," I said, trying to calm her down. "I think I might have accidentally performed an abortion, though."

Her jaw dropped. "Murderer!" she screamed. "Call the police!"

I held my finger to my lips and hissed at her to be quiet. "Be cool, lady," I said. "I was just going down on my girlfriend, and I suddenly felt something slimy on my tongue. I think I might have dislodged the fetus by mistake. We didn't even know she was pregnant.

"Just look at our precious, unborn child," I continued. I held out a tissue with a small, slimy mass in the middle.

She looked at the "fetus" and made a clicking sound with her tongue.

"Can God ever forgive me for this heinous sin?" I wailed.

"I doubt it," she replied. "God is rich in mercy, but he said that if anyone wrongs one of his little ones -- and you don't get too much littler than a fetus -- then it would be better if 'a millstone were hanged about his neck and he was dragged into the sea.'"

"So I'm screwed, then, right?" I asked, trying to look as pitiable as possible.

You can kill abortion doctors, but not fetuses (or boogers)

"Pretty much," she said. "I mean, if you killed an abortion doctor, we could maybe get you off. You know, I got a televangelist friend who knows how to navigate the courts of heaven better than anyone. He's written a book about it, how to get your prayers answered in 15 minutes or less, guaranteed. He could go to work for you if it was something like killing an abortion doctor. But killing a fetus? Sheesh. You're pretty much gonna burn in hell for a long time for that one."

"Do you have any rope or anything I could kill myself with?" I cried.

"Well, suicide is a sin," she said.

"What have I got to lose now?" I asked.

"Well, probably not much," she replied, with a dour expression. "But, of course, I can't help you do it, or else I'll be in trouble."

"I see," I said. "Well, at least I've got a long life ahead of me, so I can have a good time before I die and face eternal judgment for this abortion I accidentally committed."

"Not so fast!" she yelled. "You know that's a felony now, in this great state of Alabama. I am under a legal and an ethical obligation to report you to the authorities."

"You mean you're calling the police?"

She pursed her lips, clenched her jaw, and nodded.

I shook my head and laughed. "Won't you look dumb when the police get here and realize this is a booger, not a fetus."

She glared and pointed her bony finger at me. "You know, there's also a law against making a threat to abort a child."

"That wasn't a threat," I replied. "I was joking about doing something in the past, that I didn't actually do. A threat relates to some future action or danger."

"God will abort you!" she yelled. "The Bible says that God is not to be mocked."

"I'm not mocking God; I'm mocking you," I said, as I turned to leave. "You know, people like you could sure benefit from having a sense of humor. Pro-life. Hah. You're against all the things that make life worth living."

The Alabama Abortion Law Is No Joke!

As I drove away from the scene of the "crime," a police car whizzed past me, going the other way, its lights flashing and its sirens wailing. I guess here in Alabama, people won't take chances. If you have a booger that looks like it could be a dead six-week-old fetus, you better watch out, because the cops will take you in! This new Alabama abortion law is no joke!

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