Sunday, May 5, 2019

Happy Cinco de Mayo!

Funny image of people partying and drinking margaritas on Cinco de Mayo; for humorous history of Cinco de Mayo.
Happy Cinco de Mayo, bitches!
Happy Cinco de Mayo, bitches! Time to get drunk and slobber on some waitresses like retards! Good ol' American frat-party fun!!! 😜🍹

Here in the United States, today is Cinco de Mayo, which is Mexican for the Fifth of May. It's the day we celebrate the invention of the margarita by drinking as many of them as we can, along with shots of takillya and mugs of Mexican beer, until we wind up driving home drunk and wondering who parked our car on the sidewalk the next morning. Whoo hoo!

I did some research into the history of Cinco de Mayo by asking celebrants at various Mexican restaurants to tell me what they knew about this important holiday. Let me summarize for you what I found out.

Back in 1862, the French were trying to take over Mexico. It was a crisis. The Mexicans were great boxers, but they did not have any guns. They were having a hard time fighting the French. But the Mexicans had a plan.

One night, the Mexicans built a giant piñata and wheeled it in front of the French army's camp. When the French woke up in the morning, they thought the Mexicans had given them a present. They brought the giant piñata into their camp.

The French were confused. They inspected the piñata. They hit it with sticks. All of a sudden, the piñata burst open. Lots of Mexican waitresses came out with pitchers full of a special new drink: the margarita.

The French were thirsty. They drank the margaritas. And then they drank some more. They drank and they drank, until they passed out. The French were toast.

The Mexican army came through while the French were lying there, wasted. The French woke up to find that they were surrounded. Even worse, they were shitfaced. In their drunken stupor the night before, they had mistaken piles of horseshit for pillows.

They tried to fight, but they were useless. Their heads were pounding, their eyes were crossed, and they had double vision. They thought there were twice as many Mexicans as there actually were, and when the French fired their rifles, they missed and shot each other instead. The French retreated in haste. The Mexicans had won.

Did the Mexicans win the war with the French? No they did not. They won the battle, but they lost the war.

Nevertheless, the Mexicans had a lot to celebrate: they had invented one of the world's most popular beverages. The development of the margarita proved to be a turning point, as it gave Mexican restaurants a signature product to sell, thereby ensuring that Mexican emigrants to other countries would always have a profitable line of business to enter: restaurants and cantinas. No matter where you go in the world, you can find a Mexican restaurant to serve you a margarita.
And every Cinco de Mayo, we celebrate this achievement of the Mexican army by guzzling margaritas by the gallon, until we pass out like the French did. Go Mexico! Whoo hoo! Then we wake up, and listen to the news and hear President Donald Trump say that Mexicans are bad and that we need to build a wall to keep them out, and we say, "Hell yeah!"

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